Truism's are saying or beliefs that a lot of people in a particular group or country believe to be true. The one's listed here are those Dr's. Cogswell & Cousert have found to be very popular in the families with which they have worked.

Copyrighted 2012: Cogswell-Cousert Consulting.

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Truism # Sixteen: "Observe the Forest for the Trees."If all one looks at is the specifics of an emotionally charged issue, much will be missed and all involved will go off in a well-meaning but misguided direction. There are both the specific content at hand, the emotional tone, and then developmental, relationship, and communication patterns. The latter three foci are “the forest”.  It is the “forest view” that will let you learn from experience and transfer learning from one situation to another. Researchers and authors work to summarize basic facts, concepts, theories and models to be used to guide our actions as we live in a with our families. Learn as much about family dynamics as you can. This should be a never ending process.

Truism # Seventeen: "Families are not democracies. Roles are unequal for very practical & human growth/development reasons. This is still true for families with adult children." Successful  families seem to have a combination of dimensions that include a majority of these: (1) A legitimate source of authority, established and supported over time; (2) A stable rule system established and consistently acted upon; (3) Stable and consistent shares of nurturing behavior; (4) Effective and stable childrearing and marriage-maintenance practices; (5) A set of goals toward which the family and each individual works and (6) Sufficient flexibility and adaptability to accommodate normal developmental challenges as well as unexpected crises. (Becvar & Becvar, 1999, Systems theory and family therapy. A primer.  Washington, D.C. University Press of America, p. 103.

 Truism # Eighteen: "Having an Emerging or Young Adult means a change in roles for both parties." We know that it is hard for parents to have their children reach eighteen years of age and beyond and adjust to their own renewed  autonomy, and separateness, let alone experience the loss of control, loss of being in lead role and other changes that come along naturally.
        What is written about in many places is the need for the Parent(s) of an Emerging/Young Adult (EA/YA) to change. What is overlooked are some changes for the EA/YA to make in their relationship with their parent. They too don’t give up having parents; they too have to learn how to relate in new and different ways.  One change for the EY/YA's is to accept that with their new independence come a new responsibility, reciprocity or to give back. Our kids are used to being the center of attention and to be given to by their parents. That is fine. But when they reach Adult status, if their parents are to adjust, the parents also will need to develop their own lives. Friends, colleagues and others who become more important to the semi-liberated Parent won’t meet all their needs. Adult children can give back by being good listeners, asking about day-by-day activities, jobs/retirement, and other things in their Parents lives. Too many EY/YA's don't do that and continue to get but don't give back. Parents: this is not necessarily a natural transition for your adult child so you may have to ask for and mentor your EY/YA on giving back in ways other than having grandchildren. Learn to ask them for what you want.

Truism #Nineteen:"Message sent is not always message received."People listen through filters that often change the message sent. The filter might be a previous life experience, a family value, feelings about something, and so on. If it is really important that you be heard, after you have said what you wanted to say (and keep it short), ask "what did you hear me just say?" You will then know whether to repeat yourself.

Truism # Twenty: "When important, contract to listen/discuss." Often when you jump right into a subject, the other person's mind is on something else. To get their attention so they will concentrate on what you want to talk about, ask: "Could we talk right now about ________?" If they say "Yes", then go into what you want to discuss. If they say "No", ask either (1) "Could we talk after supper?" or (2) "When would be a good time for you to talk about ______?"
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Truism # Twenty-one: “People seldom want advice even though it seems that they do.”  People often share their feelings about a specific situation by ending their feeling statement with a question: “What should I do?”  Until you have a clear indication that they are really seeking advice, don't give it. Instead, be an active listener. That involves: (1) saying what you hear. "I am hearing that you are angry at your boss."; (2) asking for more information. "tell me more" or "please elaborate."; (3) interpreting. "what I hear you say is ______."and after a bit, (4) summarizing. "What I really hear in all of this is that _____."

Truism #Twenty-two: “Feelings are caused by factors within our selves, not by other people as often claimed.” One of the biggest and most common miss-beliefs of our times is that others can cause us to feel a certain way. How often do you hear or say "She makes me so bad." or "You are really making me angry." When a feeling results or arises in us, it is because a certain behavior or set of behaviors by someone else is experienced which in turn triggers our specific personality traits.         There is a correlation effect, not a causation effect. The behavior that what someone does can definitely be related to the bad or good feeling. They can go together, but one doesn't cause the other. A correctly stated example of this is "When I am with you, I feel so good." rather than "You make me feel so good (incorrect linkage)". If  one says: "Being in front of people make me nervous."; that is an incorrect statement of what really happens. In general, it works best to share a feeling by starting your statement with "I feel", and then adding the rest. Such as "I feel nervous when I have to get in front of a crowd of people." That correctly describes the relationship between the feeling and the situation. This is very important in relation to changing our own feelings or helping someone else feel differently. First, we have the power within ourselves to change a feeling; we don't have to wait for or rely on the other person changing. Secondly, we can change the way we feel even if the situation doesn't change. For example, many people have learned to be quite comfortable in front of an audience and not feel nervous, even though at one time they did feel nervous. Thirdly, as there is a correlation between my feelings and your behavior, instead of waiting or hoping for you to change, I can have a different feeling which then changes the reinforcement in our little drama, which may in turn influence your behavior.

Truism # Twenty-three: “Being nervous isn’t all bad.”All anxiety isn't bad or if there isn't any anxiety, no change will occur or if a person is satisfied with things the way they are, they are unlikely to change." This is a bit complicated since it follows some laws of nature but perhaps an example or two will help. It takes some anxiety to change something so it isn't all bad to have some of it. Take this case situation:  

Chebbley is 22 and forty pounds overweight. She has a good job right out of college, still lives at home where she gets along well with her parents and her mother is a good cook. She is dating a nice man and "life is good". Her doctor and her mother want her to lose weight and she "tries" but is unsuccessful. (That is almost predictable . She get engaged, the  wedding date is set and is coming up. She becomes nervous about how she will look in her wedding dress and suddenly is able to lose weight.

One type of anxiety is known as signal anxiety and it is a good thing. We have signal anxiety when we step off a curb and suddenly feel very nervous about being hit by a car. So we step back on the curb and by doing so, avoid the car that is pulling into the area to park. We would have been hit had we stayed there. Signal anxiety serves the purpose of increasing awareness regarding potential threats and increases the tendency to take proactive actions. It's the type of anxiety Chebbley suddenly got when her wedding date got close. Parents who really comprehend this truism will realize that making things right is not always the best idea and may let some signal anxiety come or even try and stimulate some in their Emerging Adult as a part of their parenting skills........The other type of anxiety is a bad thing to have. It goes under a lot of names such as test or  performance  anxiety, stranger or social anxiety, generalized anxiety, trait and choice or decision anxiety. To learn more on "bad anxiety", look elsewhere as that takes more information than can be put in a truism. 

Truism # Twenty-four: "Getting a rational to rational (information exchange) dialogue between people is difficult but very desirable if change is to occur.”If a person is feeling, and you are responding rationally, that is known as a crossed transaction, is apt not to be very satisfactorily to either person, and seldom will lead to any change. The same thing is true if someone is expressing a value or belief and you respond with information. In fact, if they are heavily into "feeling" or "valuing", no matter how much information you provide them, they won't hear you. You have to find some way to get them out of the "feeling" or "valuing" mode. Humor sometimes works or in case of "valuing (Parent Ego State, a "You're right, it should ______!" may be some temporarily first aid. Change best occurs if both people are in their logical domain (Adult to Adult) and are communicating back and forth that way. The issue is, how to you get there? The main issue is how to you help people to move from their feeling (Child) or valuing (Parent) domain to being logical (Adult)? That isn't easy. One way is to use a statement or topic that isn't the main focus but would lead up to that as a bridge to get both of you to "thinking". An example would be: #1: "I am so angry at you for spilling your drink on my new couch!" #2:" I am sorry. Could we talk a minute about what made me trip?" #1: I'm glad you are sorry because you caused a mess.......give me a second to compose myself.......ok, what did you want to say?" #2. I am sorry. Let's find a way not to have piles of things everywhere; I tripped on one of them and don't want to do that again." #1. Oh, .....those newspapers are supposed to go into the recycling bin........would you take that on as a regular responsibility." #2. "Yes, I will do that.

Truism # Twenty-five: “Thinking is thinking, Feeling is feeling, and Doing is a step beyond both.”When you think, you use information primarily. Examples of thinking are: "I see that you came in late last night:" "Who was that that just called?" I am going to call David, my friend." Feelings typically involve short emotional reactions to something. Examples include: "Wow." "Cool." "Damn." "No fooling." One can also think about feelings. Examples include: "I don't like the way you are treating me." "I would really like to go out with you." "Why do I feel so rotten?" Remember, an expression of feeling tends to be very short, often one word. Thinking about feeling may use the word "feeling" in the sentence which is thinking: "I don't feel good about that paint color."
        Doing is a behavior that involves either thinking or feeling first (perhaps happening so fast, you don't know that occurred) and then an action step. You do something like "throw the ball" or "actually call David on the telephone" or "you drive the car to work." Doing is an advanced brain function and usually has more of a payoff or result. Doing is necessary for change to occur. It is possible to switch feelings without doing but most often a change in feelings results after a change in behavior. One doesn't stop being depressed so they can do something. One makes yourself do things and eventually depression lessens and then disappears.

Truism # Twenty-six: "Too  many cooks spoil the stew!" This is an old saying that means if you have two many leaders, things don't go well. For Parents, this is an issue that has been with them the whole time they have been a parent. Remember when you were teaching your youngster how to tie his/her shoes and (s)he had to do it his/her way? This is often a major issue between parents and their emerging/young adults as to who is going to be in charge or in command. The drive for independence is a VERY strong one and often overpowers logic or even family tradition. Parents need to first know this is happening and it is normal. Second, they will benefit from being aware that their feelings of loss and loss of control, and any other feelings, are very natural and common. That will help a little bit with the change.

Third, parents of emerging/young adults have to step back and let their off-spring be in control, even if you know better, or can do something better. That isn't of main importance. Your Adult Child want to experience the thrill and joy of being the leader. (S)he values learning more by her/his own experience than by learning from the experience of those who have already thought it out or "been there, done that." Parents have to step back and give up that position; not always, but often! Remember, you didn't want your parents to always tell you what to do.

Truism # Twenty-seven: "Adult children can have temper tantrums just like young children; So can Parents of Adult Children"

Truism # Twenty-eight: "Don't Shoot the Messenger"

Truism # Twenty-nine: "Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter: (Martin Luther King, Jr.).

Truism # Thirty: "When the student is ready, a teacher will appear."

Truism # Thirty-one: "Observe the 'Forest for the Trees"

Truism # Thirty-two: "No matter how angry or busy or distant they or you are from each other, never lose contact."
Truism # Thirty-three:
Truism # Thirty-four:
Truism # Thirty-five: "
Truism # Thirty-six:
Truism # Thirty-seven:
Truism # Thirty-eight:
Truism # Thirty-nine:
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