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Truisms are sayings or beliefs that a lot of people in a particular group or country believe to be true. It may also be a statement that some people believe to be important. Truisms themselves do not have lengthy or detailed definitions because they are not evaluated to be true by definition but is an argument that is considered to be true by the vast majority of people; Thus, most people believe that a truism offered is not disputable.Those listed here are one's Dr's. Cogswell & Cousert have found to be very popular in the families with which they have worked.
Copyrighted 2012: Cogswell-Cousert Consulting. |
Truism # One: It is what it is. This very popular saying can be heard all the time in a wide variety of settings. It refers to the belief that what one experiences is what is meant to be. Reality is what is and is not within one's control. Accept it and move on with life. What others do is not under your control, even if you have a very authoritarian position. Many large scale events are not under your direct control. The truism exists because of the difficulty of not having control. That is an issue for all humans.
As far as Parents of Adult Children go, it is important to recognize that you lose leverage as children grow up; however, if you are to remain an active parent, you have to find different ways to influence your Adult Children. You are typically needed for many things, and will have the opportunity to offer much. In turn, it is perfectly normal to ask for things not only "in return" but as a part of this evolving relationship. A goal would be to "make as much contact as possible" and to "keep contact as much as possible." Professionals who negotiate hostage situations, if they can't rescue the hostage quickly, actually seek to extend the hostage situation as long as possible, knowing that with time and ongoing contact a basic relationship develops that lessens the possibility that the hostages will be hurt.
Truism # Two: It is typical in most marriages for the wife to be in charge of the couple's social calendar. The effect of this goes way beyond what dinner invitations get accepted. The people to whom a couple relates to are controlled by the women. In families then, which set of parents the couple sees most often, who gets invited to babysit the grandchildren, is primarily determined by the wife of the couple. This truism brings with it the caveat that if your adult child(AC) is a male, do not under estimate in any way the importance and influence of your AC’s spouse. Remember couples and families are systems and all parts of a system influence the other parts.
Truism # Three. When a dispute/argument comes up between the Parents and the spouse of their Adult Child, 9 times out of 10, your Emerging Adult will support their spouse. Thus don't expect to win arguments with your Emerging Adult's spouse. Do what you can to avoid arguments period. Pick your battles carefully. Don't win a battle but loose the war.
Truism # Four. "A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life." This relates to the attachment that many sons have to their spouse when married in place of their previous relationship with their parents. It is in contrast to what a daughter does when she gets married; she adds the relationship with her new spouse to that to her parents and maintains both. For those parents with male adult offspring, this is often a problem and the parents often feel that they have been “dumped” by their son. This may indeed be the case. There are ways to counter this truism and they will be approached later on in this list.
Truism # Five: The Myth of Independence. All human beings, no matter how old, seem to have an inherent drive towards independence. That is certainly evident with Emerging and Young Adults (18-40). That drive, and the opportunity and responsibilities that go with it should be encouraged. However, Parents of AC's are often times told "I want to be independent, leave me alone" or "We are going to make our own decisions, all on our own" or some variance of that. Although human beings have a drive for independence, they live in a world where all humans are interdependent. Mothers don't give birth independently, they have help from others. Kids don't teach themselves how to read all by themselves; they are read to by others and have teachers along the way. Adults do not make decisions by themselves, there are always standards of success with every decision that comes from somewhere/someone else and other social influences on every decision. When your EA/YA says: "I want to make my decision independently" what they are really saying is that they want to be independent of your influence.
Truisms # Six & Seven: "Two Related Truisms: (1). Families Very Actively Resist Change; (2). Families Change all the Time." These two beliefs actually go together and do not contradict each other as it first appears.Change is resisted actively by all organisms, although eventually occurring. e.g. Families tend hang on to graduating high school members but eventually send them off to college, the beginning of massive change. Families to not easily go from nuclear to extended families, but they do. Parents do not easily become “empty nesters”, but they do become empty nesters (at least for a while).
Not only do families change, but what we know about family dynamics continues to change. In the 1960-1990's people and counselors specifically believed that all problems that existed with children in a family were mostly to be blamed on poor parenting. That is no longer the case. A good counselor, when presented an issue, looks to see what multiple factors have come into play to produce the negative or unwanted results. They then focus on behavior and what can be changed now, and in the future. There is little history taking because we know much more about human behavior and relationships than we did fifty years ago. So, if your Emerging/Young Adult want to blame his parents as the main emphasis, don't accept that and help them look elsewhere.
Truism # Eight: "If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got!" and the revised version: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and then expecting different results."
The low-country language of these truisms is so elegant itself that we want to keep saying them over and over again. The point here is to change. Period. The same old path is the same old path. Parents of AC’s are most successful when they have multiple methods and techniques to utilize in the varied and challenging situations they find themselves in as parents of an AC, the most difficult parenting role of all.
Truism # Nine: "One can not control another's behavior; you can only control your own. However, you can influence another's behavior." Parents start off their parenting roles by being in control of everything their young child does. What they experience is as the child grows up, the parents gradually give up control. This change is one thing that makes the adolescent years so traumatic.
Many parents give up parenting then, thinking they can do nothing to have things come out as they want. This is incorrect as parents always have the ability to influence their adult children. This is the main theme of Chapter ____: “Learning the Science and Art of Influencing your EA/YA: Controlling Them is no Longer an Option.” The chapter ends with explanations of seven different things one can do to influence their AC.
Truism # Ten: "No matter how angry or busy or distant they or you are from each other, never lose contact." It is human nature to avoid the unpleasant. When one person argues with another, the “fight-flight syndrome” is typically brought into play. One than either fights the other or flees, leaving the scene or situation. Both actions break contact and the essence of human relationship is making contact. No matter how bad you feel about someone, if they are your AC, maintain contact somehow. There are forces you are unaware of in adult child-parent relationships that may bring you back together. This truism brings into play another: “don’t burn your bridges!”
Truism # Eleven: "Most knowledgeable people believe that human growth and development goes way beyond adolescence and that there are growth/learning stages to adulthood." There are many different parameters of stages of adulthood. One popular one, which your authors are using, is the following: Emerging Adults (EA) 18-29; Young Adults (YA) (MA) 30-40; Middle-aged Adults 40-60; Older Adults (OA): 60+. This means that there is lots to be learned throughout life, even in your later years. I will share that this author is in his middle sixties and learning a lot. I don’t know if I will ever learn all there is to learn. Remember these two things: (1) you know the most when you are a late-stage teenager :):) and (2) the more you learn in life, the more you learn there is to learn!
Truism # Twelve: "If you want to get something done, ask a busy person." One of the givens in western societies is that we go by a twenty-four hour time period, divided up into seven day weeks and three hundred sixty-five day years. Thus all humans have twenty-four hours each day to live their lives, no more and no less. We have all tried to change that through wishing: “Today is so long, will it never end” or “what a day; I wish it would never end.” If we all are equal in the amount of time we have , then why do some people get more done by others?
Time management experts take the approach of teaching skills to help individuals become highly effective and efficient by showing one how to identify and focus on task activities that provide the greatest returns. They claim doing so will help save people time by working smarter, not working hardier. They believe that the techniques offered (prioritization, scheduling, concentration and focus, goal setting and self-motivation) will help with time management challenges and beat work overload-a key source of stress. (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/main/newMN_HTE.htm)
Whether time management techniques work well remains controversial, but the truism does not : “When you want something done, ask a busy person.”
Truism # Thirteen: "It may be just the opposite of what is claimed….”. Some parents of EA/YA's face hearing the claim: "you just want to control me and everything I do...." If that is indeed true, change your approach. However, it may be not be your motivation to control anything. You are simply sharing your experiences and information to your AC; they can do what they want with it. This claim of you "being controlling" may actually be your EA/YA’s way of working to control your behavior. People often come across aggressively when they are being defensive. In this case, hold your ground. Speak to the feeling, not the content: “you are very angry right now.”
Truism # Fourteen: "When the student is ready, a teacher will appear." Timing is everything. Readiness to learn is a key to learning. We know that no matter how much a parent of a toddler wants that youngster to become toilet trained, it won’t happen until they are physiologically and psychologically ready for that to happen. The same thing is true for adults at all stages of their continuing development. The interesting thing about this eastern philosophy based truism is the appearance of a teacher. Often in an adult’s life, quite suddenly a new person will appear or become important and they will have something to teach. Learn to pay attention to those around you as to what they do have to offer.
Truism # Fifteen:“Every situation we face is there to teach us something; learn from life.” This Course in Miracles (http://acim.org/) based truism focuses on the life-long task of learning so that one find’s their way back to God. The belief is that humans are to learn something from each person they encounter in a day An interesting side effect to this truism, should you decide to believe it, is that it takes a lot of negative emotion out of situations when you say to yourself: “what am I to learn from this?”
To Truism's Page Two (Click Here)
To Truism's Page One, Top of Page (Click Here)
As far as Parents of Adult Children go, it is important to recognize that you lose leverage as children grow up; however, if you are to remain an active parent, you have to find different ways to influence your Adult Children. You are typically needed for many things, and will have the opportunity to offer much. In turn, it is perfectly normal to ask for things not only "in return" but as a part of this evolving relationship. A goal would be to "make as much contact as possible" and to "keep contact as much as possible." Professionals who negotiate hostage situations, if they can't rescue the hostage quickly, actually seek to extend the hostage situation as long as possible, knowing that with time and ongoing contact a basic relationship develops that lessens the possibility that the hostages will be hurt.
Truism # Two: It is typical in most marriages for the wife to be in charge of the couple's social calendar. The effect of this goes way beyond what dinner invitations get accepted. The people to whom a couple relates to are controlled by the women. In families then, which set of parents the couple sees most often, who gets invited to babysit the grandchildren, is primarily determined by the wife of the couple. This truism brings with it the caveat that if your adult child(AC) is a male, do not under estimate in any way the importance and influence of your AC’s spouse. Remember couples and families are systems and all parts of a system influence the other parts.
Truism # Three. When a dispute/argument comes up between the Parents and the spouse of their Adult Child, 9 times out of 10, your Emerging Adult will support their spouse. Thus don't expect to win arguments with your Emerging Adult's spouse. Do what you can to avoid arguments period. Pick your battles carefully. Don't win a battle but loose the war.
Truism # Four. "A son is a son until he takes a wife; a daughter is a daughter all her life." This relates to the attachment that many sons have to their spouse when married in place of their previous relationship with their parents. It is in contrast to what a daughter does when she gets married; she adds the relationship with her new spouse to that to her parents and maintains both. For those parents with male adult offspring, this is often a problem and the parents often feel that they have been “dumped” by their son. This may indeed be the case. There are ways to counter this truism and they will be approached later on in this list.
Truism # Five: The Myth of Independence. All human beings, no matter how old, seem to have an inherent drive towards independence. That is certainly evident with Emerging and Young Adults (18-40). That drive, and the opportunity and responsibilities that go with it should be encouraged. However, Parents of AC's are often times told "I want to be independent, leave me alone" or "We are going to make our own decisions, all on our own" or some variance of that. Although human beings have a drive for independence, they live in a world where all humans are interdependent. Mothers don't give birth independently, they have help from others. Kids don't teach themselves how to read all by themselves; they are read to by others and have teachers along the way. Adults do not make decisions by themselves, there are always standards of success with every decision that comes from somewhere/someone else and other social influences on every decision. When your EA/YA says: "I want to make my decision independently" what they are really saying is that they want to be independent of your influence.
Truisms # Six & Seven: "Two Related Truisms: (1). Families Very Actively Resist Change; (2). Families Change all the Time." These two beliefs actually go together and do not contradict each other as it first appears.Change is resisted actively by all organisms, although eventually occurring. e.g. Families tend hang on to graduating high school members but eventually send them off to college, the beginning of massive change. Families to not easily go from nuclear to extended families, but they do. Parents do not easily become “empty nesters”, but they do become empty nesters (at least for a while).
Not only do families change, but what we know about family dynamics continues to change. In the 1960-1990's people and counselors specifically believed that all problems that existed with children in a family were mostly to be blamed on poor parenting. That is no longer the case. A good counselor, when presented an issue, looks to see what multiple factors have come into play to produce the negative or unwanted results. They then focus on behavior and what can be changed now, and in the future. There is little history taking because we know much more about human behavior and relationships than we did fifty years ago. So, if your Emerging/Young Adult want to blame his parents as the main emphasis, don't accept that and help them look elsewhere.
Truism # Eight: "If you always do what you always did, you will always get what you always got!" and the revised version: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and then expecting different results."
The low-country language of these truisms is so elegant itself that we want to keep saying them over and over again. The point here is to change. Period. The same old path is the same old path. Parents of AC’s are most successful when they have multiple methods and techniques to utilize in the varied and challenging situations they find themselves in as parents of an AC, the most difficult parenting role of all.
Truism # Nine: "One can not control another's behavior; you can only control your own. However, you can influence another's behavior." Parents start off their parenting roles by being in control of everything their young child does. What they experience is as the child grows up, the parents gradually give up control. This change is one thing that makes the adolescent years so traumatic.
Many parents give up parenting then, thinking they can do nothing to have things come out as they want. This is incorrect as parents always have the ability to influence their adult children. This is the main theme of Chapter ____: “Learning the Science and Art of Influencing your EA/YA: Controlling Them is no Longer an Option.” The chapter ends with explanations of seven different things one can do to influence their AC.
Truism # Ten: "No matter how angry or busy or distant they or you are from each other, never lose contact." It is human nature to avoid the unpleasant. When one person argues with another, the “fight-flight syndrome” is typically brought into play. One than either fights the other or flees, leaving the scene or situation. Both actions break contact and the essence of human relationship is making contact. No matter how bad you feel about someone, if they are your AC, maintain contact somehow. There are forces you are unaware of in adult child-parent relationships that may bring you back together. This truism brings into play another: “don’t burn your bridges!”
Truism # Eleven: "Most knowledgeable people believe that human growth and development goes way beyond adolescence and that there are growth/learning stages to adulthood." There are many different parameters of stages of adulthood. One popular one, which your authors are using, is the following: Emerging Adults (EA) 18-29; Young Adults (YA) (MA) 30-40; Middle-aged Adults 40-60; Older Adults (OA): 60+. This means that there is lots to be learned throughout life, even in your later years. I will share that this author is in his middle sixties and learning a lot. I don’t know if I will ever learn all there is to learn. Remember these two things: (1) you know the most when you are a late-stage teenager :):) and (2) the more you learn in life, the more you learn there is to learn!
Truism # Twelve: "If you want to get something done, ask a busy person." One of the givens in western societies is that we go by a twenty-four hour time period, divided up into seven day weeks and three hundred sixty-five day years. Thus all humans have twenty-four hours each day to live their lives, no more and no less. We have all tried to change that through wishing: “Today is so long, will it never end” or “what a day; I wish it would never end.” If we all are equal in the amount of time we have , then why do some people get more done by others?
Time management experts take the approach of teaching skills to help individuals become highly effective and efficient by showing one how to identify and focus on task activities that provide the greatest returns. They claim doing so will help save people time by working smarter, not working hardier. They believe that the techniques offered (prioritization, scheduling, concentration and focus, goal setting and self-motivation) will help with time management challenges and beat work overload-a key source of stress. (http://www.mindtools.com/pages/main/newMN_HTE.htm)
Whether time management techniques work well remains controversial, but the truism does not : “When you want something done, ask a busy person.”
Truism # Thirteen: "It may be just the opposite of what is claimed….”. Some parents of EA/YA's face hearing the claim: "you just want to control me and everything I do...." If that is indeed true, change your approach. However, it may be not be your motivation to control anything. You are simply sharing your experiences and information to your AC; they can do what they want with it. This claim of you "being controlling" may actually be your EA/YA’s way of working to control your behavior. People often come across aggressively when they are being defensive. In this case, hold your ground. Speak to the feeling, not the content: “you are very angry right now.”
Truism # Fourteen: "When the student is ready, a teacher will appear." Timing is everything. Readiness to learn is a key to learning. We know that no matter how much a parent of a toddler wants that youngster to become toilet trained, it won’t happen until they are physiologically and psychologically ready for that to happen. The same thing is true for adults at all stages of their continuing development. The interesting thing about this eastern philosophy based truism is the appearance of a teacher. Often in an adult’s life, quite suddenly a new person will appear or become important and they will have something to teach. Learn to pay attention to those around you as to what they do have to offer.
Truism # Fifteen:“Every situation we face is there to teach us something; learn from life.” This Course in Miracles (http://acim.org/) based truism focuses on the life-long task of learning so that one find’s their way back to God. The belief is that humans are to learn something from each person they encounter in a day An interesting side effect to this truism, should you decide to believe it, is that it takes a lot of negative emotion out of situations when you say to yourself: “what am I to learn from this?”
To Truism's Page Two (Click Here)
To Truism's Page One, Top of Page (Click Here)
